Tuesday Update

I'm just hoping I don't repeat myself, because at this point the days are running together:)

Today was the worst day for M so far. When she woke up this morning, I noticed blood in her ear, so I took her to the pediatrician here in the KC. He confirmed she has a pretty nasty ear infection in her left ear DESPITE being on A STRONG ANTIBIOTIC. He prescribed another antibiotic to cover the positive grains because the one she is on should cover all the negative grains...whatever that means. He also looked at her palate and said it is definately infected, rather yuckily (is that a word?). There is yellow goop in her hole in the suture line. The hole has gotten larger. Probably won't repair on its own. They said if she starts running a fever, we need to go to the emergency room for IV antibiotics.

So, off we went to Target for the 2nd time in 2 days. I gave her the antibiotic, which luckily is once a day, and then got some broth soup for her lunch. She ate about 1/3 cup of soup and liked it as long as I shot it into her mouth with a medicine dropper. After that, she got worse. She cried pretty much from 3-9 except for a brief respite for a one hour nap. She is hurting so bad and it is so hard to watch. The new antibiotic should kick in tomorrow, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

There is good news. It looks like no new areas have opened up at this point, so if we can get over this infection we might just be looking at a largish fistula that needs to be closed up and not a full-fledged repair job again.

I have to end this post with something that weighs heavy on my heart right now. I am so, so lucky and I know that I am. This is not life threatening. This isn't her last shot at a repair. She shared a room with a little girl who was 5 years old and had been in the hospital for 2 months. She had a heart transplant in December. Yet, she and her parents weren't bitter or depressed. They were hopeful and they tried to be encouraging to us. That is so humbling. Sometimes it is hard to put everything in perspective when your baby is hurting so badly, but I feel it is important that I try.

These past few days I have been ministered to by two songs in particular - the new version of Yours by Steven Curtis Chapman with the verse he wrote after his youngest daughter died at the age of 5, and Held by Natalie Grant. Both of these songs deal with the loss of a child and learning to praise God and how loved they feel in the midst of all that pain. Next to that, this is nothing. M is God's child. God made her this way in his image and he was there with her even when I could not be there. I hear him speak to me so clearly to let go of trying to make M better. I can't do it, but he can and I need to let him. It is so hard to let him be God sometimes. I feel like maybe she is lost in the sea of all of those who need him, but he reminds me she is not and he is holding her and ministering to her as only he can. So, today I kept singing "M is yours Lord, Yours Lord, all of her is yours. From the top of her head to her little tiny toes." I know I'm no Steven Curtis Chapman, but it reminds me of the point:)

Please continue to pray for M. Pray she has peace and comfort and healing. Pray for me that I remember whose child M really is.